Thursday, May 27, 2010

Full Moon? Probably not.

I know I promised some more posts and no this isn't one I was planning. I need to get this off my chest though and since I use my Blog as more of a journal, here is where it will unfold.

I don't know why but a lot of my friends who are mom's are having a rough time right now. But ME... I am having the hardest time I think I have ever had in my life. Sure I have come to my bumps in the road throughout my time here on earth and yes they were difficult... times that I thought were the absolute worst. But that was when it was just ME. I wasn't given anyone else to take care of. I was my sole responsibility. Today that is not the case.

I have been blessed with the greatest thing I could have EVER asked for. Heavenly Father has for some reason seen something in me that I am for now blinded to. He saw in me the ability to care for, raise, and be there for this sweet blessing, and for the time being, I feel SO unworthy of it. Of HIM.

When people tell you parenthood is hard... they honestly mean it. When people say, "I wish they came with a handbook...", it's true. When people say, "Just you wait...", just wait. It IS NOT easy. I DO wish he came with an instruction book. And in my wildest dreams... and all my knowledge I THOUGHT I had... I couldn't have waited for this.

As of now my heart feels heavy. Here I am blessed with the greatest blessing; my very own CHILD. A piece of Heaven HERE, in my home, in my ARMS. I am blessed to be able to have children. To be healthy and have him healthy too. To be able to have the ability to TRY my hardest to raise him the way I was. To follow and love the gospel. And still here I sit feeling so guilty for the way I have been feeling.

The last two nights I have hardly slept. My sweet baby is growing and learning just as I am. I think he is really trying out this crying thing. I find myself getting overly frustrated at this tiny little person who can't do anything for himself. I get mad that he's fed, changed, held, yet it still isn't enough. He throws up what I feed him, fills his diaper JUST as he is falling asleep, and is restless. Who am I to get so upset?!

Questions keep coming to my mind: How did I ever get blessed with him? Why on EARTH did I get so upset with this little guy? What am I doing WRONG? I feel as though I am failing at this mother thing. And as hard as I try I can't shake this stupid feeling.

I KNOW I will be a good mom because I WANT to be. I KNOW I have to be PATIENT for as he is learning, so am I. (but we all know how patient I am... not) I KNOW I need to continue to pray for that patience and for the ability to BE WHO I AM STRIVING to be. I KNOW I need to stop and count to ten sometimes. I KNOW I need to breath... And only THEN can I be the mother all my friends and family members have shown me how to be. I WILL get this. I WILL because Heavenly Father has entrusted to me, Little Colston Michael, and it's my JOB. So here is to being a better mom for my little man.

Thank you to everyone who is a continual example to me of what a mother should be, and NEEDS to be. I promise to try harder.

PS: Colston,
Forgive me for my moments of frustration. Know it isn't your fault. You don't do anything wrong. I know I tell you that a lot... but it's true and I think it's lame how often I have to tell you that. I am frustrated with myself for not being able to make everything ok for you all the time. I love you more than ANYTHING and more than I will EVER be able to tell you or show you... Grama Connie was right when she said, "It's something you won't know or feel til you have children of your own." So yes, please forgive me. ALLLL my love forever and ever and ever.... Mom

Monday, May 24, 2010

New new new!!!

I recently bought TWO new dresses! This is one.... stay tuned for the other!

Nothing like some loves from my love!

PS.... I have some more posts coming SHORTLY I promise!!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

A thoughtful morning...

As I sit here with my sweet baby today a song came across my mind from years ago. It meant something to me then, but now it holds such different meaning. It really made me think about my life and how I am living it. Do I do enough to let the people I love KNOW that I love them? Do I do enough for ME to keep my faith strong? What will people think when I am gone? I want to be the person who makes it known to all how I feel about my family, faith, and life. This song has again brought light to my eyes in seeing what I need to change in my life. It's funny how certain things put us into perspective. Here I go... striving once again to be a better wife, mother, daughter, aunt, sister, friend... a better ME.

When all is said and done
As the season slips away
When I've taken steps beyond my sight
Will I find my strength in greater light
Will my courage grow with every passing day
and will my faith be constant as the setting sun
When all is said and done

When all is said and done
and the years have turned to gold
Will my life become a legacy
of the things that matter most to me
Will the fire of faith grow bright inside me
and will I want to be the person I've become
when all is said and done

When all is said and done
When my eyes can finally see
Will i glory in the sweet release
and will mercy fill my soul with peace
Will i kneel and wonder at the Savior's feet
Will I hear Him say, 'Well done'
when He sees who I've become
Will I live with Him
when all is said and done.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Our one month old...

...sweet baby boy!

Take one:Take two:I can't believe a month has come and gone. It's crazy how fast time flies... and how much faster is flies when you have a child. It's bittersweet. I love seeing how he changes everyday but I get sad to see him getting so much bigger. I wish he could stay small forever, yet I am anxious to see how he will be as he continues to grow. I love our sweet baby and I couldn't be happier. We are truly blessed to have him in our lives.