I don't know why but a lot of my friends who are mom's are having a rough time right now. But ME... I am having the hardest time I think I have ever had in my life. Sure I have come to my bumps in the road throughout my time here on earth and yes they were difficult... times that I thought were the absolute worst. But that was when it was just ME. I wasn't given anyone else to take care of. I was my sole responsibility. Today that is not the case.
I have been blessed with the greatest thing I could have EVER asked for. Heavenly Father has for some reason seen something in me that I am for now blinded to. He saw in me the ability to care for, raise, and be there for this sweet blessing, and for the time being, I feel SO unworthy of it. Of HIM.
When people tell you parenthood is hard... they honestly mean it. When people say, "I wish they came with a handbook...", it's true. When people say, "Just you wait...", just wait. It IS NOT easy. I DO wish he came with an instruction book. And in my wildest dreams... and all my knowledge I THOUGHT I had... I couldn't have waited for this.
As of now my heart feels heavy. Here I am blessed with the greatest blessing; my very own CHILD. A piece of Heaven HERE, in my home, in my ARMS. I am blessed to be able to have children. To be healthy and have him healthy too. To be able to have the ability to TRY my hardest to raise him the way I was. To follow and love the gospel. And still here I sit feeling so guilty for the way I have been feeling.
The last two nights I have hardly slept. My sweet baby is growing and learning just as I am. I think he is really trying out this crying thing. I find myself getting overly frustrated at this tiny little person who can't do anything for himself. I get mad that he's fed, changed, held, yet it still isn't enough. He throws up what I feed him, fills his diaper JUST as he is falling asleep, and is restless. Who am I to get so upset?!
Questions keep coming to my mind: How did I ever get blessed with him? Why on EARTH did I get so upset with this little guy? What am I doing WRONG? I feel as though I am failing at this mother thing. And as hard as I try I can't shake this stupid feeling.
I KNOW I will be a good mom because I WANT to be. I KNOW I have to be PATIENT for as he is learning, so am I. (but we all know how patient I am... not) I KNOW I need to continue to pray for that patience and for the ability to BE WHO I AM STRIVING to be. I KNOW I need to stop and count to ten sometimes. I KNOW I need to breath... And only THEN can I be the mother all my friends and family members have shown me how to be. I WILL get this. I WILL because Heavenly Father has entrusted to me, Little Colston Michael, and it's my JOB. So here is to being a better mom for my little man.
Thank you to everyone who is a continual example to me of what a mother should be, and NEEDS to be. I promise to try harder.
Forgive me for my moments of frustration. Know it isn't your fault. You don't do anything wrong. I know I tell you that a lot... but it's true and I think it's lame how often I have to tell you that. I am frustrated with myself for not being able to make everything ok for you all the time. I love you more than ANYTHING and more than I will EVER be able to tell you or show you... Grama Connie was right when she said, "It's something you won't know or feel til you have children of your own." So yes, please forgive me. ALLLL my love forever and ever and ever.... Mom